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my sister rachel, four years my senior, moved out for the first time three monthes ago. im not going to say that we always got along or acted loving and caring twenty four seven, because thats not true. we fought all the time, and more than just little squabbles. im talkin horrible name calling, hair pulling, bruise leaving fights. and im not proud to say that before she left i was excited to see her go. i wanted to be oldest, and have reign over my younger brother and sister, to have control over the phone, to get all moms attention on shopping trips. i was actually waiting for her to go. but the week she was scheduled to leave i couldnt get all our memories out of my head.
from day one its always been me and her. we took over the very back seat in the van every road trip, we pumped up the music as loud as possible and honked at people we didnt know in her red firebird, we stole each others magazines and put them in the mail stack the next day as if theyd just arrived. Images of us at the beach burying our feet in the sand and saying we were stuck so maybe we wouldnt be forced to go home, of us lip syncing and making up dances to old janet jackson songs, us watching our new kids on the block videos, us walking to get donuts the day my grandpa died, us pissing our parents off. and i couldnt forget how shed been there for me. she was the only one that understood when i got kicked out of theater. shes the one who convinced my mom that it was ok for me to go to many a party. and when i didnt have a ride, or had no where to go, or no one to hang out with, she was always there.
the night before she was going to leave she asked if i wanted to go to the park with her. i didnt really, but knowing this would be the last chance for us to hang out for quite a while, i went. we went to the park at about ten oclock, just me, her dog and rach. we swang, made the dog go down the slide a couple times, and then just layed down in the grass and looked at the stars. and thats when i felt it, that horrible feeling. the feeling of when you know deep down, down in the farthest part of your heart, that everything as you know it is changing, that nothing will ever be the same from here on. and as we walked home i tried to savor our moments.
the next day the whole family drove down to her college. rachel and i went in the firebird, just me and her. i brought all my cds and we sang the whole way there. by the time we made it to her dorms our voices were raw. we set her dorm up for the most part. and then it was time to say goodbye. as we hugged, i knew that this was the end of the beggining, the beggining of everything else. i knew that she wouldnt be there to help me fight off the parentals any more, to laugh at tom green with me, to secretly be obbsessed with dawsons creek, to talk about hot guys with. it would just be me. so i went to her dorms laundry room. and i sat on the dryer, and i cried. i cried because we were growing up, because she wouldnt be here with me anymore to lecture me on sex or drugs or drinking or older guys. i cried because i knew a part of me would be missing. and thats how it is. i still talk to her about once a week. we email each other, and she tells me about how much fun it is to be free, and how crazy the frat parties are, and that she misses me. and i tell her i miss her too and everythings fine. and everything is fine. but as i pass by her room i cant help but look past the emptiness and see two little girls jumping on their bed as high as possible.
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