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I am a member of a club. A club I never thought I would have to join. I was forced
to join this club seven years ago. I barely even knew this club existed until I became a
Do my essay on We're parents too CHEAP !
member. I would love to drop my membership altogether, but I can't-the decision is not
mine. My fellow members are all men who have lost court battles, personal struggles,
money, time, professional standing, and peace of mind fighting for the right to be part of
their children's lives. Yet, we all still fight on because we continue to believe we are doing
what is right. We are all fathers who have been cut off from our children. The degree of
alienation we suffer varies from father to father. Some of my fellow members haven't seen
their children for years, others are only allowed to see them a few times a year. Many of
them have been accused of being child-abusers, sexual deviants, drug addicts, alcoholics,
or "dead beat dads." However, most of us are good honest men who have done nothing
wrong except having ex-wives that would like to see us drop off the face of the earth.
Dr. Ira Daniel Turkat did a study in his article, Divorce Related Malicious Mother
Syndrome and according to his research , over half of all marriages end in divorce, which
is rising at a dramatic rate. Therefore, the number of children involved in divorces is also
growing at a dramatically fast pace. Forensic psychologist Dr. Richard Gardner states in
his book, The Parental Alienation Syndrome, that between eighty and ninety percent of all
custody cases exhibit some form of child alienation. (p.)
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Dr Turkat and Dr. Gardner both define child alienation as any parent who unjustifiably
punishes the divorcing or divorced parent by attempting to alienate their mutual children
from the other parent, involves others in malicious actions against the other parent,
engages in excessive litigation against the other parent, regularly interrupts visitation with
the non-custodial parent, inhibits telephone access to the non- custodial parent, or
interrupts parental participation in the children's school life and extra curricular activities.
While the media correctly portrays the difficulties imposed upon women and
children by the " Dead Beat Dad." The media has yet to capture the warfare waged by a
select group of mothers against honest, child support paying, law abiding fathers that just
want to be a part of their children's lives. Everyday, attorneys, therapists, and judges hear
the horror stories in which vicious behaviors are lodged against innocent fathers and their
children. Yet, nothing is done to change a court system that is biased against men.
In their studies Dr Turkat and Dr Gardner give several examples of different
forms of alienation. One mother lied to her children and said that she could no longer buy
food because their father spent all their money on women at topless bars. A doctor's ex-
wife forced her ten year old son to apply for federally funded free school lunches so she
would have more of the child support money for herself and to delude the boy that his
"father made them poor." Another woman asked a very close friend of hers, who was
close to her children, to join with her in malicious acts against the father. When the woman
refused the mother's request, the mother falsely informed the children that their father was
having an affair with the woman.
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These types of behaviors lead to a child not only hating the father but perhaps going years
without seeing him. The goal of any alienator is to deprive the other parent, not only of
the child's time and affection but also, of that time of childhood. (Journal Of Family
Violence Vol.10.)
Another example of this behavior is when the mother attempts to punish the ex-
husband by manipulating others to engage in malicious acts against the ex-husband.
Some examples of this behavior pointed out in the studies were an Ex-wife that lied to a
therapist during a custody battle about the father's behavior. The therapist had never
spoken to the father but appeared as an expert witness for the mother in court, trying to
keep the ex-husband from seeing his children. The therapist informed the judge that the
mother should be primary residential parent and the father should be required to go to
therapy. Then there was an ex-wife that manipulated her teenage children to leave
threatening notes at the ex-husbands home, and an ex-wife, who lost legal custody of the
children, then manipulated a secretary at the children's school to help her in kidnapping
the children. (Journal of Family Violence Vol.10.)
There is little question that both parties in a divorce or custody proceeding is
entitled to legal representation, but individuals that engage in alienation attempt to punish
the divorcing husband by engaging in excessive court litigation. Some of the examples of
this in the studies were a belligerent and unreasonable mother who verbally attacked her
ex-husband whenever she saw him. Overtime, his response was to ignore her. She then
took him to court and requested that the judge require him to talk to her.
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Another mother lied to the judge and tried to convince the court that her daughter was not
the divorcing father's biological child. Another ex-wife refused to stop attacking her ex-
husband through the courts despite numerous attorneys voluntarily withdrawing from the
case. The ex-wife went through seven different attorneys over a period of three years.
( Journal of Family Violence Vol. 10.)
Denying regular visitation is another form of alienation pointed out in the studies.
Some of the examples of this were a mother who would attack her ex-husband during
visitation transfers, then refused to provide the children when the ex-husband had the
police attend the transfer. Another mother arranged for her children to be elsewhere when
the father came to pick them up, so that the father could not see his children. One mother
even had her physically intimidating boyfriend assault her ex-husband when he came to
pick up his children for visitation. Experts all agree that regular and uninterrupted
visitation with the non-custodial parent is the most desirable and beneficial for children.
(Journal of Family Violence Vol. 10.)
Denying uninhibited telephone access is yet another form of alienation Dr Turkat
and Dr Gardner point out in their studies. A few of the examples of this type of behavior
are a mother that told her ex-husband, when he telephoned, that the children were not at
home even though he could hear their voices in the background. A mother that put her ex-
husband on hold and left him there, when he called to talk to the children.
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A mother that encouraged the children to leave several messages on her ex-husbands
answering machine begging him to call them back, even though the mother knew her ex-
husband was on vacation. Most fathers usually find these alienation attempts so painful
that they are eventually discouraged from even calling the children, they simply give up
because they are placed in a no win situation. The father's abandonment then achieves the
precise goal the parent engaging in the alienation was trying to accomplish. ( Journal of
Family Violence Vol. 10.)
Denying participation in extra-curricular activities is another form of alienation
talked about in the studies. An integral part of the process of maintaining a parent's bond
with a child is to participate in extra-curricular activities with the child. School plays, team
sports, and religious events are just a few examples of this type of activity. Parents that
alienate frequently engage in maneuvers designed to prevent participation in these
activities. Some examples of this type behavior pointed out in the studies were a mother
who deliberately gave her ex-husband the wrong date and time for one of the child's
activities The mother then asked the child, " I wonder why your father didn't want to
come and see you today?" Another mother refused to provide the ex-husband with any
information about of the children's school extra-curricular activities. Another mother told
many of her son's soccer team mate's parents falsehoods about her ex-husband. When he
came to watch his son's soccer game the other parents looked at him with angry eyes,
refused to speak to him or sit next to him, and made rude remarks to him when he tried to
talk to them.
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Parents who engage in alienation rarely have to face the penalties for their
actions. Judges, attorneys, and police cannot involve themselves in every instance of
alienation, the courts are just simply to busy. Furthermore, most ex-husbands can't afford
the financial burden involved of going back to court all the time.( Journal of Family
Violence Vol. 10.)
Malicious lying to the children is yet another form of alienation pointed out in the
studies. When one parent decides to attack the other in a divorce situation the children
are vulnerable to psychological damage depending on their development. Some of the
examples given in the studies were a mother that told her daughter that the ex-husband
was not her biological father even though the ex-husband was in fact the girl's father.
Another mother forced her eight year old daughter to hand unpaid bills to her ex-husband
then told her daughter that the father had not provided them with any economic means of
support. Another mother falsely told her children that their father had repeatedly beat her
up during their marriage. ( Journal Of Family Violence Vol. 10.)
Individuals that engage in alienation often engage a wide range of other individuals
in their attacks against the other parent. However, those that engage in this type of
behavior usually engage in malicious lying to others. They specifically lie to other
individuals belligerently against the other parent to gain support for their position. Some
examples of this are a furious mother that called the president of her ex-husband's place of
employment, claiming falsely that he was using business property for personal gain and
abusing their children. Another mother falsely told state officials that her ex-husband was
sexually abusing their daughter.
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His parenting rights were immediately taken away from him and any further access to the
daughter was denied. Another mother falsely informed the custody evaluator who was
investigating the parenting skills of each parent, during the course of a custody dispute,
that the father had physically abused her during their marriage. A skilled liar can be a
compelling witness in the courtroom. However, usually seen in borderline personalities,
pathological lying is not restricted only those particular personality disorders. ( Journal Of
Family Violence Vol. 10.)
Individuals that engage in alienation have few boundaries they won't cross in their
campaign against the other parent. Violating the law to attack the other parent is
common in many cases, although in some cases the laws broken are relatively minor, but
in others the law violations are quite serious. One woman in the studies deliberately drove
her automobile into the house of her ex-husband. Another woman, in the midst of a
custody battle, broke into her ex-husband's home and stole important business papers and
court documents. Another angry woman called a Christian evangelical television station
and pledged a thousand dollars then gave the name, address, and telephone number of her
Jewish ex-husband as the person who pledged the money. Another ex-wife burned down
her ex-husband's home because he gained custody of their children. ( Journal of Family
Violence Vol. 10.)
I went through my divorce seven years ago. My ex-wife engaged in most of these
types of alienation mentioned in Dr Turkat's and Dr Gardner's studies at some time, either
during or after our divorce.
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I learned from my own personal experiences dealing with a person that alienates, that my
daughter's fate was decided long before she was ever born. It has been the courts position
for years that the children belong with the mother, no matter what the situation. To fight
this, I would pay out thousands of dollars and fight a fight I can't win. I would also be
forcing our daughter to chose one parent over another and take the chance of ruining our
relationship. Therefore, I was forced to surrender the most precious thing in my life, my
daughter. I have never felt right about doing this, but it was a decision I was forced to
make.
One of the greatest factors that contributes to parental alienation is our family
court system. Attorneys in custody and divorce issues believe they are obligated to work
in the best interest of their clients. In doing so they often unnecessarily exaggerate their
claims, which serves to add fuel to an already potentially hostile environment. The courts
contribute to create a fear-and -anger atmosphere that pits parent against parent. They
foster destructive elements which run contrary to what is in the best interest of the child.
Thousands of parents end up in the family court system every year engaged in
divorce and custody battles. With the rapid increase in the divorce rate in our country so
has been the ever increasing numbers of "messy" divorces. In most of these court cases the
issue of custody is not settled with the best interest of the child in mind. They are usually
settled from the ruling of a previous case. All children are different, all situations are
different, and every case should be fully heard. Our children are our most valuable
resource and deserve our most careful considerations.
Vocke
If the courts are to decide custody, then custody should be awarded to the parent
that exhibit's the most co-operative approach to parenting, and who demonstrates a clear
understanding of the child's need to have both parents involved in their lives. Custody
should not be given to any parent who promotes practices that alienate the children from
the other parent.
The rights of children to be able to have both parents as part of their lives should
be recognized by the courts and our current legal system. The child should be allowed to
have equal time with both parents without the interference of the other. Shared parenting
should be enforced for the long term protection of our children, after all they are our
future.
House Majority leader Tom Delay of Texas testified before the House
Government Reform Committee that "the current Family Division in the Supreme Court,
as it exists is a failure. Its current organizational structure simply does not place the
highest priority on our children. The best interest of our children are not their first
priority. The current system fails its most basic responsibility our children."
Divorced fathers are usually devastated by the loss of their children. For example,
the case in San Diego California where a distraught father struggled with overdue child
support payments and not being allowed to see his children shot himself on the steps of
the court house. A New York City Police Officer, a Medal Of Honor recipient, hung
himself after being denied access to his children because of frivolous charges filed by his
ex-wife.
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A father in Massachusetts that had been prevented from seeing his daughter by a
protection order based on false accusations, committed suicide after he had been jailed for
telephoning his four year old daughter and failing to pay child support that was twice take
home pay. Another divorced father was kept from seeing his fourteen year old daughter
because of false accusations committed suicide. The girl later wrote in a letter, " This
country's court system has robbed me of one of the most precious gifts in my life, my
Father"( San Diego Tribune 1/11/0).
It is commonly known that divorce is the most traumatic experience that can
happen in a child's life. Yet, over half of all children will witness the breakup of their
parent's marriage. Studies suggest that children from divorced families tend to be more
aggressive, disobedient, anxious, inattentive, and angry. The majority of studies also
suggest that a child's adjustment to a divorce is dependent upon the quality of the parent's
Relationship with each other during and following the breakup of the marriage. Parent
who are able to maintain a cordial and civil relationship contribute more to the child's
emotional adjustment.
Every child from a divorced family should have the right to openly and without
fear of any kind be able to express their love and affection for both their mother and
father. They should have the right to never be blamed for their parent's divorce or
separation. The right to be listened to and accepted as a person with feelings and needs.
They should be informed of important decisions affecting them and the reason's for the
decisions. They should have the right to never be placed in a position to have to choose
between either parent, or to be made feel they need to take sides.
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They should be able to heal the wounds from the divorce properly, without undue
additional stress and suffering. They should be properly educated about divorce and
helped to understand that their parents are human too and are experiencing great personal
hurt, anger and pain along with them. They have the right to remain active in both parent's
lives, to have as much physical and emotional contact with both parents as reasonably
possible, and to be loved by both parents unconditionally.
Children need their divorced parents to encourage them to have a positive
relationship with the other parent, even if it would be simpler to have that parent to drop
off the face of the earth. Divorced parents should always reassure their children that they
do not have to take sides and can enjoy the company of both parents. Communication and
cooperation between both parents is the key to the child's emotional well-being. Children
who witness such interactions between parents are less fearful and learn how to better
cope with their own problems.
Divorce is not a solution it is an amputation, which is always how it feels like to a
child. It takes both parent's to deal with the hurt the children feel, which comes from
loving them more than you despise each other. Children are sponges and they take in even
the subtlest displays of emotionally charged interactions between parents. Parents should
prioritize the needs of their children over their own desires to retaliate against their ex-
spouse, regardless of how good it might make them feel. Pride needs to be swallowed,
tongues need to be bitten, and an occasional kind word about the other parent in the
presence of the child can go a long way to heal the wounds.
Works Cited Page
1. Turkat, Ira Daniel Ph. D. " Divorce Related Malicious Mother Syndrome." Journal of
Family Violence Vol. 10. , p.5-664, 15. 1Mar 00,
http //fact.on.ca/Info/pas/turkat5.htm
. Gardner, Richard Ph. D. The Parental Alienation Syndrome. New Jersey Creative
Therapeutics, 1.
. Vestal Anita " Perspectives on Parental Alienation, Child Custody, and Dispute
Resolution Systems" American Bar Association Section of Dispute
Resolution. 1 Dec 17. 15 Mar 00
http// fact.on.ca/info/pas/vestal.htm
. " Testifies on the DC Court System's Family Services Division" Majority Whip Tom
Delay. 6 June 001,0 Mar.00 http//tom delay.house.gov/issues.htm
4. Sacks, Glenn. "Distraught Father's Courthouse Suicide Highlights America's male
Suicide Epidemic" San Diego Tribune 11 Jan. 00, 5 April 00
www.glennsacks.com/distruaght_fathers.htm
Vocke 1
Works Cited
1. Gardner, Richard Ph. D. The Parental Alienation Syndrome. New Jersey Creative
Therapeutics, 1.
. "Testifies on the DC Court System's Family Division" Majority Whip Tom Delay. 6
June 001, 0 Mar.00 http//tom delay. House.gov/issue.htm
.Turket, Ira Daniel Ph. D. " Divorce Related Malicious Mother Syndrome" Journal of
Family Violence Vol. 10.,p5-664,15. 1 Mar 00,
http//fact.on.ca/info/pas/turket5.htm
4. Sacks, Glenn " Distraught Father's Courthouse Suicide Highlights America's Male
Suicide Epidemic" San Diego Tribune 11 Jan. 00, 5 April 00
www.glennsacks.com/distraught_fathers.htm
5. Vestal Anita " Perspectives on Parental Alienation, Child Custody, and Dispute
Resolution Systems" American Bar Association Section of Dispute Resolution. 1
Dec 17.15 Mar 00 http//fact.on.ca/info/pas/vestal.htm
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